Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
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—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?