@Dawn_M_: Sharks don't like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
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@UncleDuke1969: Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote. Me: Don't you mean THOSE funny TWEETS? Wife: ... Me: ... Wife: No. No, I don't.
@DuaneABarrett: Just overheard someone say, "I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries." You know. Like a book.
@delusions_of: What I said: "Let's get together sometime." What I meant: "Please forget you ever saw me."