Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
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Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.