@ilovepie84: They say rabbits don't have glasses because they eat carrots. They also don't have thumbs. I like my thumbs so i don't eat carrots.

@murrman5: "daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa" *checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son

@Darlainky: I hate getting cut off because I've "had enough." Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?

@TheTweetOfGod: Stalk your awful ex on Twitter, Troll oll oll oll oll oll oll oll oll. 'Tis the season to be bitter. Troll oll oll oll oll oll oll oll oll.

@JermHimselfish: Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.