@murrman5: *takes out one earbud* "not guilty, your honor"

@sofarrsogud: I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley. After months of therapy I'm finally battling my Damons.

@lazy_joe_: Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I'm not exactly sure how to pick you up

@TheHyyyype: [watching friend input his password on a website] ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure

@BooFricketyHoo: That awkward moment when you are introduced to someone and you have no idea if that person is their child or their spouse.