Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
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Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children