@Breadery: I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.

@Black__Elvis: I was in an Arby's bathroom taking a leak and the urinal cake fell to the floor but it was there for less than 5 seconds so I still ate it.

@MoneypennyNaked: Me: Sorry, I can't tonight. I already made plans. Him: That's too bad. There's going to be open bar and-- Me: What time should I be there?

@AndyAsAdjective: Just said "No you can't have an apple because you'll spoil the pizza that's being delivered very soon." I shouldn't be allowed to parent.

@dafloydsta: INTERVIEWER: You put "summoning demons" as a special skill? ME: That's right. INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?