@Bunnydurden: Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
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@Breadery: I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
@Black__Elvis: I was in an Arby's bathroom taking a leak and the urinal cake fell to the floor but it was there for less than 5 seconds so I still ate it.
@MoneypennyNaked: Me: Sorry, I can't tonight. I already made plans. Him: That's too bad. There's going to be open bar and-- Me: What time should I be there?
@AndyAsAdjective: Just said "No you can't have an apple because you'll spoil the pizza that's being delivered very soon." I shouldn't be allowed to parent.