Sharon I have some bad news
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Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.