Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
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The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
What is going on? 😅