Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
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*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
This will never not be funny 😭
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.