*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
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If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
I’m calling the cops.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Fluff me with a fork baby
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said