Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
You Might Also Like
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.