Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
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coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Sunday
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.