Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
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[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
This makes total sense…
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.