I love it all
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“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it