I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
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Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
These are too funny not to post 😂
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.