@catmarstru: "shaved carrots instead of cheese" lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
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@poppiesandcake: If what we are doing here is art, then my Tweets could be classified as kindergarten finger painting.
@Playing_Dad: [On a date] *Don't let her know you're a dog* Girl: Do you want to...maybe go for a walk after this? *starts running in circles going crazy*
@MichaelTrying: Darwin is a genius. Just realized I'm attracted to women in glasses because I'm more likely to reproduce with a woman who can't see me well.
@aLunchBox: Ignorant person: "You're Canadian. You live in igloos, right?" Me: "You're American. You live in McDonalds', Right?