Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
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When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.