Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
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wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
giddy up Office Depot
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.