Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
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4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
getting groceries
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
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After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.