The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
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I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Just how popey was the pope today?
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
“How’s your day going?”
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.