Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
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[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…