[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
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When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.