Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
You Might Also Like
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Spring of Deception
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet