Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
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I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
A choir of Spring onions
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
I beg your pardon?
Welcome to the stomach
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that