She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
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saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Worst bar ever.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships