@lawking30: She asked for my name, if I'm alone, had me remove belt/shoes & take out what I have in my pants. Interactions w/TSA agents are underrated.
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@causticbob: 5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
@XplodingUnicorn: [texting] Wife: Clean out your bowels. Me: OK. Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
@VerbsRProudest: Board Game 10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO! Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming* 10: *laughing* OMG! Me: What?
@TheToxicWaster: I walked a girl down into the dark woods. She said it's very scary. I said how do you think i feel i have to walk back alone..