My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
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Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Peace was never an option
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”