She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
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CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
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