She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
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Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works