MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
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Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby