@pizzajaynow: She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
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@RobDenBleyker: It's always funny when the flight attendant says "we know you have a choice of airlines" as if free will exists.
@RoastedPapad: *Buys new iPhone* *Crosses road tweeting about it* *Accident* *Dies* *Makes entry in heaven* - Sent via iPhone.
@dumbbeezie: Naked and Afraid but it's just you in someone else's bathroom with a toilet that won't flush