She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
You Might Also Like
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.