@pizzajaynow: She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
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@internetluke: [restaurant] *motions for waiter* Waiter! Bill please! *Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests* Thanks Bill!
@heykarlin: I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture's on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
@Parentpains: Whenever I hear about a man jumping off a bridge I can't help but wonder how long he was dating my ex.