She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
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Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Thursday Thought.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Its true…
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.