Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
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*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.