She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
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State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.