She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
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We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…