1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
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A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe