Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
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omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
she has a point
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line