She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
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Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
How to woo a woman
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.