@TommyKarate: She called and said she didn't have anywhere else to go, so I agreed with her.
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@gamecox93: Now that I have an adult coloring book, most arguments with my 3 yr old are over fridge space.
@funnyfries: I just met a woman who told me she had "trouble keeping weight on" in times of stress. I ate her.
@FeralCrone: A kid at the park said a giant hemorrhoid is heading toward Earth. I know he misspoke but in the closing days of 2016 one can't be too sure.