@TommyKarate: She called and said she didn't have anywhere else to go, so I agreed with her.
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@ericONEderful: A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it's sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can't really touch anything.
@megfraser: HELLO automatic flushing toilet!! I appreciate the enthusiasm but I really wasn't finished
@just1fool: I just watched one bird chase another bird from tree to tree for five minutes. It was probably over a stolen tweet.
@flashember: WIFE: This is dumb. DAUGHTER: This is so stupid. ME: This is getting out of hand! THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I'M LEAVING