Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
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[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
Proctology is located in A55
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.