My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
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I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!