Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
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The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.