Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
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Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Omg 🤣
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
This is my pinned tweet
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.