She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
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Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Pretty much! 😂👀
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.