she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
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“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again