she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
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my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.