She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
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There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
lot going on here, legally speaking.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.