She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
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Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”