Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
You Might Also Like
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
I hope Alan is OK
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)