[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
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If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
How times have changed.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef