She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
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Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
We’re all getting idioter.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.