@omgthatspunny: She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.
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@misfarber: Poor helium. I like to imagine there's a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
@sofarrsogud: ME: Thanks for all you did man. It's because of people like you, we have our freedom. HIM: Again, I'm a veterinarian.
@JediGigi: Me: You're such a good boy. Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
@thenatewolf: Me: my doctor says if I get annoyed I could die You: so you can't watch that YouTube link? Me: I'm saying it's dangerous to even send them