Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
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Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
a god among men
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.