This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
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tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
This headline is a thing of beauty
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.