@E_lok44: She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
@canadasandra: [getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
Th: But that's your a-
@iwearaonesie: *comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I'm crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo's in my fanny pack
@ddrwg: [Riding a saddled turtle]
BATTLE TORTOISE, GOOOO!!
[turtle just goes normal speed for turtles]
@icecube: Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth...